I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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