This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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