Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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