Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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