..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
