When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
