i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
