we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
