He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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