the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Can't talk, ducks in the car
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
