i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Randomize
