So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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