I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Randomize