There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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