Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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