If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
