Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Randomize
