I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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