here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
