Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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