Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
