First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
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life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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