i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
