did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
