My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
