Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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