I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
