Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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