So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
