At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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