It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
