Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I smell like Dick and happiness
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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