Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
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Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
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I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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