I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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