Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Randomize
