omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
