I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
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