1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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