I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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