Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
