Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
