At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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