I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
