my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
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