i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
