You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
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