sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
