Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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