God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
