Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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