Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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