I got chris browned last night
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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