I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
