dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
