im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Where is the hickey?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
