I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
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